Everything was good in my life until I moved into the Compton St. housing project with my children. I was a single mom, my sons and I were almost like best friends. As far as I'm concerned, the bond we had was amazing. I was young, and I loved my little boys so much! It was always just me and them. And then I moved onto Compton St. - a housing complex in Kingston, Ontario, which was income-geared  to "help" parents who could not afford market rent. Here is where, I think, everything took a turn for the worst in my life.

In order to understand my story fully, you have to be able to picture Rideau Heights.  Its built almost entirely under an overpass, almost outside of town. It's only a few houses, but mostly low income town houses and apartments. There is no "traffic" for businesses, not even a grocery store nearby.  In fact, there were no businesses except ONE at the time that I lived there. Yep, you guessed it. A bar.
Before that, it was a bingo hall. Now, the reason  I feel this is important is because, if you put a bingo hall, or a bar, in a residential neighbourhood that is predominantly poor, there is only one reason for it (all the people are on welfare).

Our municipalities build our towns, and sub-divisions with foresight (hence, the term “city planning committee”). They know WHO is going to live there, including what type of class, nationality, and so on, is going to shop there! They KNEW that low income people (sometimes desperate people) just MIGHT spend their money trying to strike it rich, or drink their despair away. Rideau Heights was a trap between the 1990's straight through to the mid 2000's, and it's still a trap for the CAS. They still patrol the apartment buildings, and town houses - just WATCHING for kids and parents to do something wrong.

I lived there maybe a year. My eldest son was 6, and my youngest son was 2. I have to admit, that once a trap like that is set, it's very hard to resist. I was, maybe, 25. A young, single mom with absolutely no supports.  I was learning a new life. I saw other moms juggling a "party life" and a family life. I  figured, hell, I could do it too. I couldn't juggle both lives. Plain and simple. The trap that was set had sprung. Right here, at this exact point in my life, EVERYTHING started to spiral out of control.

I started leaving my kids with babysitters and going to the bar with all the other parents at night. My kids started missing school. A lot of things started going wrong. Then, one night, the boyfriend I had at the time and I went to the bar. We came home, (my kids were already in bed - now that I think back on it, I should have made my babysitter stay the night) and for some reason my boyfriend and I started arguing. It turned bad. He smashed my windows out, threw me into the tub, caused a lot of damage, and hurt me. My neighbours called the cops.

I had already been in bed, or at least headed there, when the fight started. So, not expecting the police to show up (or a fight), I was naked. I was angry too. First of all, I had just been assaulted. The police offered me no help, nor did they suggest anything as far as protecting myself from any potential danger that my children and I could still be facing. He destroyed everything when he left, and I left everything until morning to clean up. He left, the police left, I went to sleep.

In the morning, I woke up, sent my eldest son outside to play in the neighbourhood, gave my youngest cookies, and sent him to his room to play.  Then I sat down and I cried. By this point in my life, I just had EVERYTHING in my fridge and freezer go bad, so I didn't have a lot of food (we had a power outage across Ontario that summer and A LOT of people were without power for a week or more). I was still struggling. I was drinking at the bar, my boyfriend assaulted me and trashed my house, my toilet broke and was plugged, and the laundry was piled up - some dirty, on the basement floor, some clean (not folded and put away) on a chair in my living room. To say the least, things were piling up on me and no one was there to help.

CAS showed up at about 11, the morning after the fight. Two of them, with the police. I was evasive (of course!!)  I didn't know how to ask for help and there was no one offering it. I was overwhelmed with my life, with being a single mom with little resources. I was drowning. Every day I was sinking lower and lower. They apprehended my children because of the state of my house (obviously). I am not disputing that I needed help. I needed help organizing my life, I needed help providing for my children what I could not do alone. I was NOT informed at the door that I could work things out and maybe get my kids back. It was AWAYS put to me like it was permanent from DAY ONE. Nobody ever asked me about placing my kids with family.

Since no one was there to help  me out, I would often walk to my visits if I didn't have bus fare (CAS always seemed to schedule visits with my children at times when I didn't have money – as if they knew ahead of time).  Often times when I arrived, my visits would be cancelled. They told me things like, "you get too emotional during your visits" and, “your children don't want to visit you anymore”. So my visits stopped. They had taken my kids. I started using drugs as well as drinking - cocaine, oxy's, meth, it didn't matter what drugs I did. No one was there anymore for me to worry about. No one was there anymore, period. 

We went to court. I can't remember why I was not eligible for legal aid, but I couldn't get it. I spoke to  duty council for a few minutes, then we went into court. I'm not sure what was said (I don't speak legal speak), but the judge, the CAS and their lawyers, and duty council went into judge's chambers. I was left standing in the courtroom by myself, in the same place where you stand as the defendant or whatever?  They came back out and the judge said to me that it was in my best interest to sign my children over as crown wards for 6 months. I did what the judge told me to. Wasn't this the same as "ordering" me to?  Anyway, the judgement was made. Time passed, no visits for me, the CAS rarely contacted me now that they had my kids. They told me what they wanted, but offered no services, no supports, not even any education on how to fix what was broken in my life – nor did they ever point me in a direction that may lead me there.

One day my worker called me and told me that my kids told her that they didn't want to come home. They were happy where they were. She told me that I would never see them again. I remember that day clearly. I started drinking shortly after she called me. I took a BUNCH of oxy's...not enough...and I left town shortly after. From there on in, everything was done without me. I was young. I really didn't know that I still had hope. I believed from day one that my children were gone and there was nothing I could do about it. It was proven to me time and time again - I would go to visits  and the worker would say, “There is no visit today. You smell like booze.” Yet, I would stay sober for days waiting to see my boys! One time, I even demanded a police officer to breathalyze me. I was so angry! The worker refused. Instead, because I caused such a fuss, security removed me from CAS premises and I did not get to visit my boys.  Another time the worker would say, “You are too emotional today, Christina, I don't think it's a good idea to visit today.” The funny thing is, I don't know how I could NOT be emotional. I KNOW that my life was FIXABLE. I know that I had a problem. I also know that I deserved someone to intervene and say “Hey, CHRISTINA!! WAKE THE F*** UP!!”  But in no way did I deserve to pay forever for these mistakes, and that is what I'm doing. 

EVERY day I cry for my children that I cannot hold, for children I cannot see. My heart REALLY does have a hole in it, that cannot be fixed. The years that were stolen from me can never be replaced. I will not see my children again until they are men. I did not agree to someone adopting my children!! I never gave them up WILLINGLY!! I never signed adoption papers. Yet, my children were adopted with NO ACCESS to me. My eldest son turned 16 this year. And I missed it. Their names have been changed. I don't even know who they are. I have no idea what kind of life they have lived. I don't know anything about them. I want to know! I WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING TO HUG MY CHILDREN, AND TELL THEM THAT I DID LOVE THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY!!I want my 10 years back from CAS. I am not a different person now than I was 10 years ago, just better equipped to deal with life.

I have since had 2 more children that CAS "allows" me to raise. When things start falling apart (because they do), now I know how to get help. Ten years ago, I had no clue, and no one was telling me. I feel like some things in my case were done illegally, and I also feel like I was robbed. MY CHILDEN WERE ROBBED. I suffer now from PTSD, and anxiety attacks. My worst fear ever, is doing something wrong and losing my children again. Losing my children a second time, is not an option. I almost didn't make it through with my sanity the first time.

There has been many times (almost every night) that I miss my children so deeply that it actually hurts. It hurts my heart, it hurts my head, it hurts my soul. My family, everything I cared about was taken from me. There is no pain on earth like the pain of a parent losing their child. Nothing hurts as long or as deeply. No pain is as debilitating as the pain of losing a child. The adoption and apprehension of my children has left me messed up. I am afraid to date because I know what it can cost me if I misjudge my spouse. I am afraid of the children's doctors, school officials, family members, people in the community...I am afraid that every move I make will be reported to a CAS worker. I am afraid that if my children hurt themselves and I take them to a hospital, I will lose them (I know how easy it is).  I am EVEN afraid that if my children repeat something they hear on TV, I will again have to live through the hell that I have lived for the past 10 years without my children. There is no convict who committed multiple murders and raped women and children and sitting on death row who has been punished as much as I have. And my punishment continues. It will not stop. I will have children who hate me for the rest of my life for abandoning them. But what's almost as bad, is that I will hate me for the rest of my life for failing them.

I wish more, than anything, that CAS would have left me a way to pick up the pieces of my life, and help me start again before it was too late. After all, "they try to work with the families”,  right? So that no one has to go through what my children and I are still going through every day, right?

I have to mention here (because I failed to do so before) that I did try for a while to straighten things out, but they just kept getting worse. First, the kids were taken off my welfare cheque. So there was no rent or hydro being paid. Then, I lost my baby bonus and had to pay money back! Cuz they sent me a check before they knew the kids were apprehended. Once I lost all my income, I lost proper accommodation for my children. There was NO WAY for me to afford anything larger than a bachelor apartment. This meant that I was stuck. I could not afford to rent anything bigger until I got my children back, but I was not getting my children back until I could rent something bigger. (Remember, I was forced to move out of our town house that was adequate, because I could no longer pay for it. I lived there alone for three months with no income, and no hydro after I lost the kids).

I was so lost. CAS provided no direction, and no help.  My "last visit" was never set up. I never got to say good-bye to my children. They never got to see my tears and hear me tell them that I love them, before they went to live with another family for the rest of their lives.

~ Christina

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Click here to read about Christina's life today